


Always For Astro

by KakeWarlock



Series: A-Z Kpop Oneshots [1]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Everbody loves sanha, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, This boy is precious, maknae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 13:51:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12985425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KakeWarlock/pseuds/KakeWarlock
Summary: No matter how much of a devil Sanha may act like, he was still the maknae.OrSanha actually does have feelings.





	Always For Astro

**Author's Note:**

> Whoop all aboard guys. This is my first kpop one shot and it marks A in my A-Z oneshot Kpop book.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

It started with a simple interview.

They were on many of their scheduled shows when the interviewer leaned in and asked,

“Out of all of you guys, who do you think is the worst?”  
Almost immediately, all hands were pointed at him. In order to entice a laugh, he pretended to be confused and point his thumb at himself.

The crowd laughed as he smiled, glad he had made someone happy, even if it made him feel something weird in the pit of his stomach.

This wasn't the bad part. They could point hands all they wanted, but then they had to explain why.

Eunwoo didn't seem too eager the question, as he was hesitant to hurt the maknae’s feelings. Rocky, however, droned on about the topic.

“I think Sanha needs to learn how to respect his hyungs. He thinks since he's cute he can get away with everything but that's not always the case.”

He tried not to let the words get to him, he really did, but they just kinda stuck to the back of his brain.

Moon Bin came in, “as much as I enjoy Sanha’s presence, it irritates me. He makes stupid pranks all the time and he doesn't care if one of us gets hurt.”

MJ nodded, “And he throws little tantrums sometimes too!”

Sanha thought they were getting a little too into complaining about him and he must have looked uncomfortable because JinJin spoke up,

“But I believe their are more good things about Sanha then their are bad. Trust me, Sanha is like the devil but devils have feelings too.”

Eunwoo laughed at that, crushing the atmosphere they had and bringing them to the next question.

And even though someone stood up for him, the feeling in his gut never faded.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sanha forgot about the interview for a few weeks until he stumbled across a comment on his tweet,

“I like Astro and all but Sanha isn't like funny at all. I mean he’s not even cute enough to be a visual. He's all lanky and has awkward proportions. So what is he doing in Astro?”

Sanha stared at the comment for a while. Why would someone take time from their own life to try and bash someone else's? He didn't understand.

He moved to see the next comment but decided to click the link on the hateful comment.

Instantly, he was gifted with a page full of anti-Sanha things. He mouth suddenly felt dry as he stared in shock.

He knew some people didn't like him but to this extent. And the blog had over 20k subscribers.

He felt tears burn his eyes as he read the comments and stuff posted on there.

“that thing is the maknae???”

“wow, he’s really rude to his members. Someone ought to show him his place.”

“I feel like Astro could grow big if he just leaves. I mean they're all perfect and then there’s him.”

He didn't realize he was crying until there was a knock at his door.

“Sanha, the manager brought take out. Let's go eat!”

Sanha tried to wipe his tears quickly and responded, “I'll be out in a minute Eunwoo.”

Sanha heard Eunwoo turn the knob of the door slowly before stopping, “Sanha?” he questioned, “have you been crying?”

Sanha froze for a moment as his brain tried to search for answers. He didn't want to tell his hyungs, they'd just think he was overreacting. And hadn't he caused enough trouble for them anyways?

“Yeah,” he laughed quietly “ You never told me Descendants of the Sun would hit my feelings like this!”

He heard Eunwoo laugh and visibly relaxed. The door knob was let go of and Eunwoo stepped back, 

“Well I'm sorry but they're gonna steal the food if you don't come right now”.

Sanha brightened although his stomach churned at the thought of food, “Okay, I'm coming!”

He heard Eunwoo’s footsteps fade and he glanced at the website still on on his laptop. Without really thinking, he pinned the website and went down to eat.

~~~~~~~~~~

He didn't eat that much.

He had this weird foreign feeling in his stomach that wouldn't fade. Everytime he picked up his chopsticks, a comment would pop up in his head making the feeling in his stomach worsen.

Secretly while everyone was talking, he gave some of his food to MJ, who took it without looking up. He tried to eat the food, ignoring the feeling in his stomach, but after a while he felt like the feeling was so intensifying, he was going to have a heart attack.

Placing a hand on his heart, he tried to calm it down but it wouldn't work. Standing up quickly, he excused himself.

“I'm tired so I'll just go to sleep for now”

Everyone looked up and stopped eating, “Are you sure?” Moon Bin asked, his face stuffed in food.

Sanha felt a little pissed that they just wouldn't let him leave but he tried to calm himself down. He didn't want to be rude to his hyungs.

“Yes, I'm really tired,” Sanha didn't want to pull out his doggy eyes just yet but based on the doubtful on their faces he might have to.

“You don't really look that tired,” Rocky said, studying him, “Plus you barely ate from you plate.” 

Sanha felt his anger bubbling up, “I'm just not that hungry right now, hyung.”

Rocky narrowed his eyes at Sanha and stood up, “What did you just say?”

JinJin tried to get him to sit down but Rocky looked pissed.

Sanha idly realized that when he got angry the feeling was a bit worse and tried to stop himself by reassessing his steps.

“I just called you hyung. What so wrong with that?” Sanha asked, tilting his head in confusion. “I mean didn't you want me to treat you guys like hyungs? And know you're mad because I did? Wow.” He shook his head in mock sadness.

Oops. He just didn't know when to shut up did he.

A chair scraped back and Sanha found himself looking at Rocky in the eyes.

“Look here,” Rocky started, his voice in obvious poorly repressed anger, “You need to learn to stop mocking your hyungs and learn some respect. I mean how did your parents live with you this long?”

Sanha took a step back, fear clouding his vision. He's never seen Rocky this angry. Maybe Rocky had some built up personal vendetta against him and he finally snapped?

Sanha pushed Rocky back a little and ignored the gasp coming from MJ. Rocky seemed surprised until he took one look at Sanha’s fearful look and his eyes softened slightly.

Sanha felt lost as everyone froze. Never had any of the members had a big fight like this. He quickly apologized quietly and bolted to his room, slamming the door.

Inside the room, the feeling in his gut tripled until he was curled into a ball wheezing through his tears. He couldn't breath, it felt like he was dying.

He reached his arm out and sobbed loudly, “Somebody,” he cried out, hugging himself with one arm, “Anybody”, he voice cracking multiple times.

But no one came. And Sanha didn't know if it was a good thing. He was the reason that shit went down so why was he the one crying. He wanted someone to hold him, to treat him like the child he was but at the same time, he didn't want anyone to see the “devil maknae” at his lowest point. 

But this wasn't normal crying. Even Sanha knew. His body was trembling horribly and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe.

The thought just occurred to him and he tried to steady his breath but the tears just coming. What if they were so mad they kicked him out? What if they ignored him forever and hated him? 

The thoughts were farfetched but he couldn't stop thinking them. He reached out for his laptop through his tears to try to search how to stop this feeling but the first thing that popped up was the hate websites.

He thought that staring at the venomous words would make him feel worse but his eyes felt glued to the page.

It took several minutes for Sanha to calm down and even then he was still shaking. But mostly he felt mentally and physically exhausted.

He fell asleep to the hate comments circling his head.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sanha found out the next day that it was called a panic attack.

He knew what panic attacks were but he never thought he'd have one. He had no reason to have one.

(But then he remembered Rocky’s aggressive look and felt a bit validated.)

Eunwoo woke him up normally in the morning and Sanha almost thought everything was fine. Then he went downstairs and Moon Bin avoided eye contact with him.

MJ frowned for moment when he walked in but went back to his food. Eunwoo looked at Rocky, who was cooking and hadn't noticed Sanha’s presence yet.

Eunwoo went to wake up JinJin (for like the 4th time). Sanha was only able to grab a piece of toast before Rocky turned around to place the eggs on the plate.

Rocky’s eyes wandered from Sanha’s hands until he reached his face. He paled a bit but hurriedly calmed himself down.

“Is that all your eating?” Rocky questioned turning back to turn off the fire.

Sanha nodded, the small feeling in his stomach still there, “I'm not that hungry right now.”

Rocky visibly flinched at the choice of words before sighing, “I guess I'll go then. Enjoy your food.”

“No,” Sanha blurted out and Moon Bin whipped his head up at the volume of it. Sanha flushed and corrected himself, “ I mean you worked hard on this breakfast you should at least eat some of it.” 

Even MJ looked surprised at Sanha’s politeness and Sanha pat Rocky’s back before he left.

Man, being nice to your hyungs was actually very hard.

~~~~~~~~~~

Nobody actually apologized but everything fell into place for the most part. Everything was back to normal except Sanha.

He tried harder to please his hyungs and like a good dongsaeng to them. He brought them water when they said they were thirsty. He’d fan them when they were hot and he even did the chores when they told him.

He tried very hard not speak out of turn as he loved making jabs at his hyungs. After a while it was easier even during interviews he thought so hard about not speaking it became a second nature for him.

The other members thought he was acting weird at first but then let it go as they quite enjoyed this treatment. But not JinJin. As their leader, he didn't think Sanha was really ok. So he addressed this to him directly.

It was after a fan meet they had that JinJin took Sanha to the side to speak to him. 

“Sanha?”

“Yes, hyung?”

JinJin tried not to cringe at the fake polite voice Sanha used, and continued,

“You do know that you're our maknae, right? You're not some slave that we order around everywhere. Okay?”

Sanha’s eyes widened at the blunt statement from his leader, feeling his eyes watering up as he smiled widely. The thought of someone actually caring about him made him happy.

JinJin grinned as he saw a true smile on the maknae’s face and left to get changed.

~~~~~~~~~~

Everything went downhill from there.

Sanha started following his hate sites religiously, despite the warning from their company not to check hate comments when they had first debuted.

The comments were just fuel for his veins. They trained him to be better, to try harder to be perfect.

Eunwoo was perfect. With his vocals and beautiful visuals everybody loved him. Most people find Astro through Eunwoo because of his great acting skills. Eunwoo always took great care of everybody and was so loyal and dependable.

Sanha wanted to be like that. But he had to try harder to be perfect. Regardless of if he destroyed himself in the end.

Weeks turned into months and Sanha was frustrated. It had been a long time and he still hadn't changed. He was still the pathetic person from before.

Why did he have hate sites but Eunwoo had dedication sites? He didn't hate Eunwoo, oh no, it's just that he liked to compare himself to Eunwoo for progress purposes. 

The first warning to the members was during dance practice. They were practicing for some performance when Sanha kept making small silly mistakes.

Even MJ was a bit annoyed by now as they had restart the music again. Moon Bin stared at Sanha weirdly, 

“Are you okay, Sanha?” he looked worried, “You're really pale.”

Sanha nodded his head, trying to ignore the dizziness that spread throughout his body with that simple act. 

Nobody looked convinced but they started the music, this time everyone staring at the maknae. Feeling the stares, Sanha tried to dance correctly, putting all of his energy into it but he was so tired.

The feeling in his stomach burst (as he would like to call it, panic attacks made him feel nervous) yesterday causing him to lose a lot sleep. It was messed up, but now he looked at the hate comments to calm him down. He was completely dependent on them now.

He wondered how he became like this, the shell of the vibrant 17 year old he was?

(Then he'd shake his head because old him was horrible and the new him is close to perfection.)

At one part of the dance, Sanha was supposed to turn, but instead, he stumbled from dizziness. Nobody saw, or if they did, didn't comment so he continued dancing.

He hadn't gone on a diet, he knows he's skinny but he hasn't been eating. The ticking time bomb in his stomach makes him feel nauseated every time he goes to eat. 

So losing a few kilograms wasn't an intentional thing, it just happened. Which probably explains why halfway through the song, his shaking legs gave out, not being able to function without proper vitamins.

He fell and hit the hard floorboard, sparks of pain travelling through his head. The black spots in his vision seemed to multiply and he must have passed or something because when he came to, he was on JinJin’s lap.

“Sanha! Can you hear me?” Someone was frantically calling his name and asking if he was ok.

Sanha didn't want to open his eyes. He felt lightheaded, like he was drowning, but in the sky, surrounded by nothing but calming winds to guide him nowhere.

But then he'd listen to his hyung’s pleads and cries for him to wake up and it made something warm erupt in his chest because they are worried about him and they do care. So, with great difficulty, he tried to open his eyes.

Eunwoo must have seen his struggles because he cheered him on, “Come on Sanha. You can do it, just open your eyes a little bit for us, ok?”

After many failing attempts, Sanha was able to get his eyes to open. Moon Bin latched onto him in worry,

“You scared me so much Sanha! I thought you were never gonna wake up.” The older sobbed quietly against him.

“What do you mean?” Sanha asked, the pounding in his head dimming a bit.

Rocky took a shaky step forward, “Look around Sanha.”

Sanha took this moment to look and found himself not in the dance room. He was in his bed. “How?” he asked stupefied.

JinJin gave him a sympathetic glance, “You've been out for a few hours, Sanha. We were really worried. The manager said if you didn't wake up in the next hour they would take you to the hospital.”

Sanha took a shaky breath and tried to calm his thoughts. They actually stayed with him for multiple hours. They cared enough to stay with him. Without knowing, the feeling in his stomach died a bit and he felt like for the first time in a few days he could breathe.

“Ah! Sanha, why are you crying?” MJ exclaimed, afraid they made him sad somehow or he had a really bad injury.

Sanha giggled slightly and tried to wipe the tears from his face that he didn't notice. “I'm just so happy you know?” he laughed a bit, “But I have no idea why?”

“I think he’s gone crazy,” Eunwoo dramatically whispered sending everyone into crazed laughter.

And for the first time in a while, Sanha felt worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~

The feeling came back after 2 weeks.

During those two weeks, Sanha tried harder than ever to be better for his hyungs. But since the feeling faded he was able to eat more, regaining some of his weight.

Everyday, one of the members would hug him and touch his stomach to make sure he wasn't just a sack of bones.

Moon Bin particularly loved to pinch his stomach because he like to see the pout and red cheeks on the maknae’s face.

But even though Sanha seemed better, he felt worse everyday. He spent most of his time at the dance studio perfecting his dance or wearing out his vocal cords by practicing for a long time everyday. 

His hyungs desperately wanted to know why their dongsaeng acted like this.

Their answer came in a very bitterly ironic way.

They were eating dinner when the feeling came back to Sanha. He didn't want to seem suspicious but it felt way worse than usual. 

He dropped his chopsticks on his plate with a clang and stood up.

The sound of his chair scraping the ground brought the attention of his members. Sanha wasn't in the mood to really talk to them because with every second the feeling was getting bigger and he didn't want it to explode in front of his members.

JinJin noticed how pale Sanha was because he asked him,

“Sanha, are you alright? Does the food taste bad?” By now, nobody was eating and just staring at him.

“No hyung” he shook his head, “I'm feeling a bit under the weather,” his hands started shaking as his heart rate went up.

All he wanted to do was run out of the room and cry, thinking of all the bad things he needs to change about himself.

Rocky got up and suddenly Sanha was reminded of a few months ago, the day the feeling first burst in him.

He thought back to Rocky’s face and he told himself he never want to see that expression again. His heart started beating faster and his palms were sweaty.

He kept envisioning Rocky’s angry words directed at him and he couldn't stop thinking.

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, “Sanha,” Rocky questioned, “Are you ok? You look like you've just seen a ghost.”

Sanha was so surprised by the hand, he flinched and pushed Rocky into the food.

Immediately, Sanha knew he had messed up. The hurt on Rocky’s face was enough to see that.

His mind whirled searching for an answer. Oh god. They were all gonna hate him now. He was such a bad maknae to them. 

God, the feeling in his stomach kept growing bigger and everything kept getting worse and Sanha would rather die than ever feel this.

Out of panic, Sanha went on his knees and bowed to all of the remaining members of Astro.

If they were frozen before, they were surely frozen know. Sanha felt himself shaking harder when no one did anything for a few moments. 

Did they all hate him now?

“Sanha, get off the floor.” he felt a hand on his shoulder and then the feeling in his stomach burst.

He was able to muffle his first sob but they kept on coming and he wept loudly, giving up on hiding everything from his hyungs.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” he kept muttering over and over again.

Rocky got up and went over to Sanha, “Sanha it's okay, you were probably surprised!”

Sanha felt like if he nodded he would falsely leading them on. Besides if he let go a little bit, he might as well go all out.

“I'm sorry hyung,” he hiccuped, crying louder, “I didn't mean to.”

By now everyone realized something was severely wrong with Sanha. MJ slid down to the floor and tried to to get Sanha to stop bowing to them.

“It's okay, Sanha. It's gonna be okay.” Eunwoo spoke in Sanha’s ear, trying to soothe him. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say.

“No!” Sanha sobbed out, “Nothing's gonna be okay because I'm worthless and all of you guys hate me!”

His outburst silenced them.

“What do you mean...we hate you?” Moon Bin shakily asked, feeling tears burn his eyes.

“You guys always tell me that I'm the worst maknae and that I need to be better and I tried!” he cried out “I really did. I used to despise you guys for picking on me but it's ok now because I hate myself too.”

“No, Sanha don't say that,” JinJin spoke, his voice shaking. “We love you so much.”

“ But I'm not perfect,” Sanha replied, as if that would clear everything up, “Eunwoo’s perfect everybody loves him.”

Eunwoo frowned and sat by him, “And what makes you think people don't love you?”

Sanha tried to calm his breathe, “Because everybody says so. They have multiple websites dedicated to hating me, hyung.”

MJ felt something dawn on him, “Sanha, did you by any chance, read the hate comments?”

His only answer was a loud sob and muffled nod.

Rocky sighed, “Sanha, you know that those are jealous people speaking against you right?”

When Sanha didn't speak, it hit them. Sanha didn't know. He didn't know how cared for and truly loved he was. He didn't know that he had many fans out there that care for him.

All he knew was the ugly side of being an idol. All the hate and threats, all the hard times. He was only 17, he wasn't supposed to feel this kind of burden on him.

“You don't know how much we love you Sanha but we do. You don't how much the fans love you, but they do. So it's our turn to take care of you ok?”

Sanha nodded his head as he wiped away his tears, “But you know that i'll have a hard time believing that, right? And you know that I’ll probably never believe that, right?”

It broke Moon Bin’s heart to hear this but he nodded along. “Sanha, don't let the title of maknae demean your life. You were a human being before you were a maknae. Remember that?”

The maknae couldn't believe what he was hearing. His members are flat out telling him they cared. And while the feeling of panic never left, he felt happier than ever.

~~~~~~~~~~

The story ended, a few months later, at a simple interview.

Sanha was seated next to MJ and Eunwoo when the interview asked the dreaded question that started everything,

“So, out of all of you guys, who do you think is the worst?”

Instantly, Sanha’s hand gripped Eunwoo’s tightly. It only took a moment for Eunwoo to realize what was wrong.

“I don't think any of us are the worst.” Rocky commented, starting the conversation.

“Saying someone is the worst is a person’s opinion but I think that we all have ways to go before we’re better.” JinJin spoke, glancing at Sanha for a moment.

The crowd awed at the cute personal moment between the members before Eunwoo broke it,

“I mean I think Moon Bin’s the worst. Have you seen how messy his room is?” 

The moment was broken as everybody laughed. Sanha clutched his stomach in laughter and grinned, enjoying the moment.

“If we're going like that then, Rocky’s the worst. He doesn't clean anything after he cooks!”

Everyone was sent into another round of laughter at Sanha’s snide comment. Sanha looked to see if Rocky was angry or not and seeing that he was pouting, Sanha relaxed and started laughing with everyone.

He felt MJ’s hand intertwine with his, and grinned, clutching them together.

And while the feeling in his stomach might never go away, as the doctors said, he always has his members of Astro to make him feel at ease.


End file.
